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What’s with the Laura Bush pour? Give me the full Pat Nixon.
What can I do? How can I help? What are we drinking?
That’s like saying Pradas are just shoes, or vodka is just a morning beverage!
You say potato, I say vodka.
You know how I know? Because I reeeeeally think so.
That was your drink talking? Well, right now, my drink is talking. And it’s saying, ‘Drink me, I make life more fun. Anyone from a high school senior to a hobo under a bridge knows that!
I got a fake laugh with your name all over it.
OK, rule number one. Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips.
Somebody’s got to be the designated drinker.
Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick.
I've gotta find the ladies room. It's true what they say, you don't buy tequila, you rent it.
Honey, that is not my soul you’re looking at.
Look what I brought, juice boxes!
Honey… What is this? What’s going on? What’s happening?
I smell liquor on my breath. You're drunk!
Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000, but the drinks are free so it evens out!
If you ever need someone to drink with, I’ll drink with you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I’ll drink with you. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I love to drink!
Honey, my catch phrase is: 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, you figure it out.
If it has genitals on the outside it’s hiding something on the inside.
I’m going to take the high road, and just because I’m high.
Because I’m a lady, assface.
No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.
Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.
There's a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it's on fire. Which do you save?
Wow, ten years of game night. What a milestone. Maybe you should celebrate with a suicide pact.
Honey, I've always said, if your genitals are on the outside, you're hiding something on the inside.
Honey, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.
It's the oldest story in the world. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl to do dominatrix film, girl says 'Naked?' Boy says ‘Yeah.’ Girl says 'Forget it.’ Boy says 'Okay, then just wear this rubber maid's uniform and beat the old man with a scrub brush.’ Girl says 'How hard?
You’ll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of hand bags.
Let’s take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person.
I’m gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.
Light beer? What’s next, non addictive pain killers?
Well, any friend of Will's is... Grace.
Honey, I just finished drinking breakfast. You’ve got to give the liver a little time to digest.
I just want somebody who gets me. Somebody who's comfortable in my world, and makes me laugh, and occasionally brings me flowers. And... somebody who likes kittens, and the hard-core bondage scene.
Normally my motto is ‘Drugs not hugs.
Last night, I accepted a new position. And after my date left, I was offered a new job.
Alright! I met him in a bar! He flirted with me, thought I was a whore! Made me feel… I don’t know, special.
Hey, hey, hey. Come on! I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything. You know, like maternal or addiction.
I want a man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman.
Good Lord I can’t believe I’m at a public pool. Why doesn’t someone just directly pee on me?
Drink me. I make life more fun.
Oh... So, Wilma, honey, listen. I forget, what are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait, wait. Let me do a little test. Okay, there's a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it's on fire. Which do you save?
Oh honey! Somebody got flowers. Or as I like to call them, poor people jewelry.
God didn't give me the ability to play the piano, or paint a picture, or have compassion. But he did give me the ability to crack a walnut with my hoo-ha.
Knock! Knock! Anybody homo?
Oh my God, how can you drink straight orange juice first thing in the morning?
The only other person I’ve apologized to is my mother and that was court ordered.
I guess I could get rid of Pastry Chef. He makes these weird brownies that don’t make me paranoid.
By your inflect I can tell you think what you’re saying is funny, but no.
Husbands come and go but the Chanel slingbacks are for life.
I’m too tired to slap you, would you bash your face against my palm?
Excuse me, lady, would you happen to have a breath mint? You do? Well, pop it in your mouth, woman. It’s not doing any good in your purse!
It’s not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill… or a crying baby.
Would you like me to preheat the oven or you wanna just dive right in?
NO! I will not have sex for money! I only have sex for jewels, furs, or mixed securities, like a lady.
Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in.
I regret the day I ever laid boobs on that man!
We talked, we laughed, he walked me home. He was such a gentleman. He opened the door for me, I opened my shirt for him.
I’ve been like a mother to that girl. I’ve locked her in her room, told her she was fat, and once I even left her in a store!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!
Honey, I don’t look. I’m looked at.
Well, you’re all boring and I’m fun.
Oh honey, that’s just a saying, like ‘Ooh. That sounds like fun’… or ‘I love you’.
I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!
Thats like saying Prada’s are just shoes, or vodka is just a morning beverage!
Why don’t you save your anger for the bedroom, where it belongs.
How dare you call me a racist. Karen Walker is no racist. A homophobe, maybe. But I am no racist. Ask anyone I own!
When you pour your own glass of juice, you are taking a job away from someone who came to this country in a crate or an inner-tube.
Oh for God’s sake, don’t cry. You look like Jeff Sessions watching a black man vote
Honey, it’s a waste of time. Like exercise. Or reading to your kids.
If you expect me to shop out of a bin with a bunch of mall-walking blue hairs and ‘I love Grandma’ T-shirt, then you got another thing comin.
Maybe it’s like it says in the Bible: I felt bad because I had no shoes, but then I met someone who had really bad shoes.
He’s taking me to Cancun for a week. Maybe I’ll take some jeans and trade ’em for a new maid.
It’s a cult — like the Moonies or the homeless.
Grace! It's Christmas for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower letting his hair down, so that the three wise men could climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter!
No, he is not laughing at you. He is laughing with me, who is laughing at you.
My God. If my closet were like this, I never would have come out of it.