Funny Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny-Quot

Best Funny Quotes

Life will be all about fun if you can take most of thing lightly by focusing in action. But it's not easy to do. Most of the people are depressed by thinking unnecessary thing or negative thought.

For that reason, here are some selected funny quotes for giving you some light moments or a little relief from the reality.

Funny Quotes

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!" –Billy Connolly

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer." -Ellen DeGeneres

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln

"Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself." - Christina Grimmie

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes

"No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.”– Abraham Lincoln

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting." - William Arthur Ward

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

"I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

"Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends." - Eminem

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?” - Jerry Seinfeld

"I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life." -Karan Patel

"I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life."

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” - George Carlin

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you." - Robin Williams

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”– Bill Watterson

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." - Theodore Roosevelt

nice quotes

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”– Jay Leno

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand

“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”– Jeffree Star

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great.” ― Golda Meir

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”– Jerry Seinfeld

“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.”– Jessica Simpson

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”– Jim Davis

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”– Billy Connolly

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." - Mark Twain

Funny Quotes

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." -Unknown

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”– Carl Sagan

"Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear."– Suzanne Collins

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb

"What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water." - Unknown

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think." - Milton Berle

Funny Quotes

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”- Cathy Guiswite

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”– Charlton Heston

“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”– Clarence Darrow

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas'.”– Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”– George Carlin

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”– Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'”– Conan O’Brien

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”– Conan O’Brien

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”– Phyllis Diller

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”– George Bernard Shaw

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”– George Bernard Shaw

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”– Dale Carnegie

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”– Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”– Doug Larson

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”– Dorothy Parker

 “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”– Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”– Douglas Adams

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”– Douglas Adams

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”– Douglas Adams

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”– Dr. Seuss

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”– Earl Wilson

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”– Edward Abbey

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”– Ellen DeGeneres

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”– Emo Philips

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”– Emo Philips

“Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”– Enid Blyton

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”– Erma Bombeck

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”– Ernest Hemingway

“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”– Fran Lebowitz

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”– Fred Allen

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”– George Burns

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”– Emo Philips

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”– Henny Youngman

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”– Henny Youngman

“All men are equal before fish.”– Herbert Hoover

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”– Hillary Clinton

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'”– Homer Simpson

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”– George Burns

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”– George Carlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”– George Carlin

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”– George Burns

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”– George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”– George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”– George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”– George Carlin

“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”– George W. Bush

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”– Gertrude Stein

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”– Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”– Groucho Marx

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”– Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”– Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”– Groucho Marx

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”– Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”– Groucho Marx

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”– H. L. Mencken

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”– Harlan Ellison

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”– Harry Hill

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”– Harry S. Truman

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”– Helen Rowland

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”– Helen Rowland

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